Midwestern Logic:

This is what happens to “friends” who are skinnier than the bride on her wedding day!

The uglier my friends look, the better I feel.

This dress ensures her safety while drunk and crossing the street at night.

Booger is the IT color of the season!

Dear Mom,

What is with your hair? Is this the kind of thing that I have to look forward to when I hit menopause? I realize that you want to appear more youthful since your divorce from dad, but this just makes you look stupid.  Are you trying to hide something in that rat’s nest on top of your head? Needles? Pipes? A tumor? The papers for the private bank account that you opened up without dad knowing? I know you keep telling me that you look and feel ”awesome.” So awesome that you just pitched your idea to Bravo for a Real Housewives of Minnesota show, but I highly doubt anyone wants to watch you and your recently divorced clique stumble around Downtown Minneapolis every weekend in hopes of scoring some Gen Y ass.

Anyways, I just thought you should know that my classmates laugh when you come to pick me up from school. They call you Amy Oldhouse and ask me if you keep your crack pipes in there? I think you should just start dressing like a mom again. If not for me, please do it for yourself. I realize that I’m only 14, but you will only score the clap with a hairdo like that! 

With Love and DEEP Concern,

Your Daughter

Worst Midwestern Man-Friend Pick-up Lines:

• You make me feel all warm in my Carhartt overalls.

• Want a ride home on my Segway?

• You’re hot! You look just like my mom.

• You’re all I can think about while I’m taking a dump.

• My wife and I are looking for a third…interested?

• Do I have any meth in my teeth?

• My therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to get out and meet girls without using Rohypnol.

BEST Midwestern Man-Friend Pick-up Lines:

• Want to come over and help me smoke my weed?

• What a lovely sweater…you’re the skinniest girl I’ve ever seen.

• I got a case of Diet Dr. Pepper and I need someone to help me drink it…interested?

• How about I come over to your place and rub your back and paint your toe nails?

• Your hair is like, really pretty.

• I have money.

• Oh yes, I also find it appalling how women in our society are still constantly objectified and forced to believe that they are only as good as they look. If I could put an end to anything, it would that awful Girls Gone Wild franchise.

In another attempt by the White boiZ to the 3rd Power to be the “dopest” and “illest” gang of number-munching thugs in the Midwest, they have started tagging over people’s tags. The nerve!

An Iowan WB3P member who goes by the moniker, Frack You, calls the new hobby “totally fracking bad ass.” He also seems to have no remorse for tagging over the tags of other scarty hoodlums. “Yeah, we’ll tag over your tag…what of it” he told the TC when we contacted him at his crib (aka Grandma Louise’s house). “We tag over other people’s tags and then take pics of it and post it on our Facebook group White boiZ gonna getcha.” Wow, sounds thrilling! Keep up all those dirty deeds WB3P’s!

Note to Midwestern parents: This is what happens when you continue to wipe your son’s ass until he’s 12!

(I was created by a fat stoner!)

Midwestern Logic: This is considered art.

Midwestern Logic: Photoshop bullying is a great way to express my inner bitch, while retaining my “Christian” values. If you can’t hear it…it doesn’t hurt as bad.

Midwestern Logic: Convenience takes precedence over style. These Crocs are so easy to get on…they save me so much time. I mean this Jagermeister isn’t going to drink itself! Shoe laces are for the sober.

Crocs are the worst invention since the parking meter and the female condom.

Here are the ONLY reasons any Midwesterner should EVER be seen in a pair of these rubber nerd-boats: 

• You are extremely obese and these are the only shoes that fit your mammoth feet.

• You’re blind, deaf, and high on heroin.

• People refer to you as Grandpa Dale, you have glaucoma and you are no longer allowed to drive.

• You’re homeless. It’s obvious you have bigger problems than affection for ugly “shoes.”

• Elmo is your hero and your mom still wipes your tuckus.

Don’t believe the hype! The Midwest is full of bad ass gangs that thrive off of scaring your grandma into a diabetic seizure.

(STROM, Leader of the Midwest’s scariest gang of white boiZ is one bad mutha!)

Word is he once drank a 12 pack of Jolt Cola and stayed up for 3 days straight robbing fools on Second Life.

The WB3P’s have continued their crime spree across the Midwest this summer. Recent crimes include:

Des Moines, Iowa - 2 WB3P members were arrested for stealing Little Caesar’s crazy bread from a table of teenage girls in the food court at the mall.

Eau Claire, Wisconsin - 5 WB3P members were accused of checking out library books with a fraudulent library card. Books checked out included: Video Game Cheat Codes 2008, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Having Sex and Little Women. Supposedly, WB3P member - Milky Love - has a ”thing” for actual little women and thought that the great American novel would include pics of little women who he could reference for his “enjoyment.” He was said to be very disappointed once he got the book home.

Be careful Midwest…the WB3P’s are popping up all over!

(Sally and Tom are proudly showing off the warm-up pants they got as a wedding gift)

Midwestern Logic:

The more noise my pants make, the more fun they are to wear.

It’s so cute…we’re married, but people say we look like brother and sister.

My idea of a GREAT time is going to a cabin with no running water and drinking every night in front bonfire until I black out.

It was so nice out today. It got up to 55 degrees.

Dear Dad,

I tried my best to understand when you proclaimed your love for your fishing buddy Chuck last year during Christmas dinner. I even made a solid attempt to refer to you by your new chosen name “Alexis” and gave you Tylenol when you complained of having menstrual cramps last week. But when you ask me to go camping and then show up looking like ONLY HALF a tranny, you’ve gone too far. Not only did you wear the ugliest dress I’ve ever seen, but you didn’t even have the decency to shave your legs or your pits.  If you really want us to start buying into this “Alexis” person, you need to do more to look/act the part than raiding mom’s closet and repeatedly saying things like - So fabulous and Loves it!

Instead, I think you could benefit from investing in a wig, wearing make-up and occasionally wiping the sweat off your face. I love you dad, but I need some consistency from you. If you’re a woman now, so be it. But try to dress the part. If not for me, do it for Chuck. I think he would appreciate the effort.

With love and deep emotional issues,

Your Son

Midwestern Fashion Logic:

If it was good enough in ‘87, it’s good enough to wear today.

Thank God for the Goodwill…Once I Febreeze the cat piss smell out of it, I’m wearing it to work.

I’m more worried about warmth than style.

The cows don’t care what I wear so why should I!?!

Midwestern Logic: If I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.

                              I’m not a lesbian, I was just drunk.

      My kids need a daddy…where’s my mini-skirt!?!

                           Crystal meth makes me feel sexy.

Midwestern Logic (Jesus-Style): Jesus spoke to me and told me that I don’t have a drinking problem.

Midwestern Logic (Jesus-Style): As long as I’m representing in the name of Jesus, I can step on bunnies and steal gasoline. 

(This is where I pretend to work)

Here are 5 ways to sit in your cubicle and appear as though you are working, even when you’re not - Midwest style:

1. Always have papers with highlighted sections around you so that at any time you can pick one up and pretend to read intently.

2. Always have something work-related minimized on your computer screen so that you can pull it up quickly when a co-worker or boss enters your cube. We realize you spend most of your time on social networking sites, shopping online and/or IMing with friends, but your boss and co-workers don’t have to know that.

To read the other three ways …click here!

Dear Dad,

Since your recent 60th birthday, you’ve been acting really strange. I didn’t want to bring it up, but it’s gone too far now and it needs to stop. I realize that you’re Proud to be American MADE, but that doesn’t mean you can only wear t-shirts with eagles, guns and American flags on them. I also think you may be confusing patriotism with just plain racism. I don’t think there’s a need for you to yell at EVERY person who you believe to be “a damn Mexican” to Take their tamales and go home! And it was really embarassing when you mistook that Native American family we saw at Walmart for illegal immigrants. I know they didn’t appreciate it when you pointed to their three small children and yelled, This is why half of all children in America are NOT white.

 I also realize that you’re still pissed at me for backing Barack Obama in November, but that doesn’t mean each time you show up at my house you have to be wearing that t-shirt with a picture of Obama on it that reads: His middle name is Hussein too. I think you need to stop listening to those friends of yours who claim Obama took an actual dump on the American Flag and made out with Osama Bin Ladden while riding on a magic carpet. I just really doubt that happened.

But it’s not only your recent political agressiveness that has begun to scare me. Your sense of humor has changed too. Doesn’t mom find the new bumper sticker you put on your Dodge mini-van  offensive - You can have my porn when you pry it from my warm, sticky hands ?? I know I do and so do the neighbors.

So PLEASE Dad, I’m begging you to go back to the closeted racist who was too scared to talk to minorities and who NEVER proclaimed his love or hatred for anything except Budweiser and soccer.

With Love,

Your Son